the truth – Helen Writes Chile

Floating … please take my hand James McAvoy … I mean Ewan McGregor – oh ok you´re both in my dream, I´ll accept that. Just please keep speaking Scottish. This is amazing … wait why are my children in the water too? And they´re drowning – this is a NIGHTMARE! Wake up, wake up!

So much crying … that is real crying. Oh no, the baby is waking up. 5 more minutes! Wait please don´t leave me James! Not you too Ewan!!!! Noooooo!!!

I should get up. I´ll get up. Does he not hear that noise?!

My boob feels so empty. It has no squish now.

Am I the only one who sees a kitchen full of dishes and thinks to DO THE DISHES!!!!

I´d love just one morning where I get breakfast in bed. And a sleep in. Hint hint hint hint hint HINT!

You´ll make it? Best husband ever!

I am so hungry. What is taking so long?!!! Why he is going so slow – is he doing everything separately?! Just multitask OMG!

What is the baby eating? I really do need to vacuum.

During the Day

Son lets play!! Yes I´d love to play Thomas! Let the baby join in, Emilio. Emilio? Emilio! Emilio – EMILIO!!!!! Not the eyes Emilio!

Poor baby.

No don´t draw on the – be careful of the – don´t drop the – watch out!!

*sees red*

*cry a little bit*

I hate this sometimes.

I feel awful. I love my life – I am the luckiest person in the world.

I miss working. I miss cramming up my day with important stuff. I miss money!

Urgh I want to lose control! Give me wine! How much can you drink while breastfeeding again?

All that pumping and dumping seems like a lot of work.Will wait a bit longer. But I will lose control one day!

I just farted. Pretend it was the baby. Why does this keep happening now?!

Time to go shopping. What to wear? Haven´t worn that in a while – wait can´t breastfeed in that. I´ll wear – wait, can´t do it discreetly in that one. Ah fuck it – no-ones looking at these flabbyflabs anymore!

At the Shop

He doesn´t need a lollipop but thank you. Yes my baby is fine, thank you. No he isn´t too big, just those gringo genes!! Yes he seems warm enough – another blanket would probably kill him but thank you for that. No lolly for the baby, but thank you.

Breastfeeding and walking – I am a mummy superstar! Self five

At the Nursery

I have to buy WHAT?

My son is two, he can´t possibly do that even with adult help. Oh I have to make THAT?

Dinner

Hmm what can I bribe him with today?

This doesn´t end.

Is that a vein popping out of my head?

I really need a minute to myself

Oh poor darling.

Must.resist.urge.to.give.in

Gave in.

I am the worst mother ever.

Did that count as a balanced meal?

Better put him in the bath now before the baby cries. Wait – baby is crying. Do it with baby crying or do it later?

Later. Oh man it is late!

Bedtime

Please don´t pick Thomas for the fourth consecutive night … yay Thomas!!!! Better sing him the songs too. Will he get too cold tonight? But it´s hot now – aaahhh Santiago has crazy weather!! Ok, I´ll read another story.

Cuddles are just the best ever. Look at that little face, those little eyelashes, his little nose … what is that in his hair? Better check he doesn´t need the potty.

Hurry up on that potty, son!

Aaaahhh cuddles!

Your cheek/against mine/that is/the most delicious thing.

Delicious. Scrumptious. Splendiferous. Roald Dahl – man I can´t wait to read those books again. I mean for the children and everything.

I could cuddle forever … and he´s asleep – RUN!!! Now to check the baby.

Some Time Later

FREEDOM!

Time to dig out all the adult treats!!!

Food, food – where is the food?!

Am I eating too much? I´ll never get rid of this floppy stomach.

Ah fuck it – I have TWO kids!!! Where did I hide that chocolate bar again?

Crying baby on TV. God am I lactating? This is so embarrassing.

This scene between the child and her mother is making me well up. I´m so sensitive these days.

Aaaagh don´t wake up!!! Please, please, please. I still need to take a shower!

My bed feels so good I think I might disappear into it … oh hello! Are we cuddling tonight?

Some time later (but not that long)

If we woke the baby up it is your turn.

On Date Night

Pushup bra oh yeah!

I wonder what the kids are doing.

Hmm what to say? I want to be funny. And sexy.

I hope the kids are ok. Should I call and check?

Gosh look at that couple. Were we ever like that? Do you know, I just can´t remember!

I want to have sex like a porn star. Lets do it!!!
I thinkI ate way too much. Wait I need to pee – AGAIN!

Did I take the meat out for tomorrow? Internet bill is due too!

I do love my husband.

I can´t stand my husband.

Lights Out

I do love my life.

First thing first: you will NEVER be as tired as you are with your first newborn. The good news it that they WILL eventually start sleeping, and so will you.
It’s not over once baby is out. You still have to pop out the placenta. And the contractions keep on coming. After-birth contractions are PAINFUL, constant and get worse with each baby. But by day 3 they will be a thing of the past. Massaging your tummy and a hot water bottle really help.
When you breastfeed for the first time it can be pretty different to how you expect. It might not come naturally, be painful or make you feel icky, but honestly not everyone does it like a pro first time – in fact, nearly all of us suffer in the beginning. The trick is to just get your boob in their mouth anyway you can and aim for your whole nipple to be in there. It hurts like a b**** those first few days but there are things you can do to help with the pain. Cabbage leaves for engorgement, soaking nipples in warm water with a little salt if you’re bleeding, lanolin creams (or even olive oil), and nipple shields are a godsend!
When your milk comes in around day 3 or 4, your boobs will swell up to become ginormous, achey rocks and EVERYTHING will get covered in milk. You may even get flu-like symptoms. Don’t panic! Everything will calm down soon (but if it doesn’t check with your doctor or midwife).
Babies love to be with their mummy especially in those first few weeks. Although it feels like you might never get a break I repeat to you that IT DOES GET BETTER!
When you leave the house, bubs will really enjoy emptying his/her bowel. Over everything. And then again. Take a few extra outfits just in case!
When you breastfeed in public it can feel like everyone is watching but trust me, they really aren’t. Just tune out, focus on baby and do what you have to do. Bubs will probably choke, vomit and you may squirt everywhere in a few directions but hey – at least they’re not crying!
When bubs does cry nothing soothes them like cuddles and booby. Seriously, you will never spend so much time sitting down, laying down or even standing up, with your knockers out. Just remember to pop them back in when the doorbell rings.
You will find yourself eagerly analysing bubs’ poop. The colour, consistency, the smell … Oh my gosh why is it green today? What is THAT?! And what on earth does diarrhea look like in a breastfed baby??? So many questions …
Feeding time. What is the point of spending all of my valuable time preparing deliciously runny baby food concoctions if they just refuse the spoon, spit it out or play with it? Like seriously!
I.am.completely.over.sterilizing.everything.
You’ve just given baby a lovely (not)relaxing bath. They are now all snuggly and clean in their pj’s. It’s looking good for bedtime. And then the explosion happens. I don’t quite know how something so small and innocent looking can unleash so much poo that it ends up in their HAIR! How does that happen?!
You will eagerly devour mummy blogs, What To Expect books, buy everything the magazine tells you to buy, sing songs to your tummy etc while waiting for your firstborn. Then you will delight in reading your newborn endless stories they are not the slightest bit interested in and probably take too many photos. With your second all of that is a thing of the past. Dirty old hand-me-downs and a couple of snaps will suffice!
You will eagerly fill in the first bits of the Baby Record Book. And then you stop. Who has time to remember to write in it when all they do is CRY?!
Showering becomes a few quick minutes while they watch you from the bouncer chair.
Everyone will love to look at your baby. Touch your baby. Tell you that baby is cold. Or that something is wrong. Get ready to adopt ninja abilities because people will try to randomly take your child from your arms or pushchair.
People have no idea how much time or effort it takes to get baby to go to sleep, hence why they think nothing of waking your baby up once they are FINALLY asleep!
Gone are the days of lunchtime banquets and four course dinners. Lunch is a quick spaghetti bolognese. Every day. Spice it up with different pasta shapes. IF you have the energy, that is.
Your child is a loving, delightful angel it really is true … until the day they start at kindergarten. Yep, those days are long gone.
You think a 2 year old can have a tantrum? Wait until they turn 3! Literally everything you say they will either disagree with, cry over or not want. Henceforth you become a jedi knight, mastering the art of suggestion, until it reaches bedtime, when all hell breaks loose. EMILIO NO MORE IT’S BEDTIME I’M NOT TELLING YOU AGAIN!!!
If you’re pregnant and reading this, I bet you are stressing about the birth and you haven’t even THOUGHT about feeding solids or potty training yet. Well you should! Birth is a piece of pie compared to the sheer stress and panic that these two things cause. Good luck and get ready to learn a whole lot of stuff about your child’s sphincter!
Your toddler WILL amaze you every single day (especially when asleep and inert). It’s just miraculous how they soak everything up like a little sponge. They will amaze you with their stories. Their imaginative games. Their songs. Their ability to remember whole passages from books by heart. And their ability to instinctively know that the F-word is naughty and that they shouldn’t mention it in company, right Emilio? Oh wait ….
We have a saying in NZ and OZ about things being “shits and giggles”. Life with your children really is a series of alternations between the two. But pooz you can just wipe up and forget about (maybe soak and scrub a bit first) and as for giggles, there really is NOTHING that will prepare you for your baby’s first laugh which is literally like a burst of sunshine. And that is honestly how life will be from now on: a bit shitty at times with bursts of pure happiness. NOTHING will prepare you for the love you will feel for your children whether they are first-born, second-born or number 5 (or even higher!). It is true when they say that once a mother, always a mother and it really is worth every stinky, sticky and wet moment 🙂

Tag: the truth

Mummy Diaries: Day in the Life Of